My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
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