What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
"Lazy bones."
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
"You had me at merlot."
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
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