Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
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