I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
You have goat to be kidding me.
He’s my pinch charming.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
I love you so fairy much.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
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