What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Your good weed for the day.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
There’s snow one like you.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
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