Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
How hot does your gas oven get?
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
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