Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
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