Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Practice safe text: use commas.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
My love for you simply radiates.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
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