What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Orange you excited for Halloween?
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
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