I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
I'd start a revolution for your number.
Just brew it!
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
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