“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
You snow the drill.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
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