This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Dublin over in laughter.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
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