What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Skiing is believing!
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
I whale always love you.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
The goal nine yards
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
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