What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
All clover the world.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
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