Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
I get a real kick out of you.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
Werewolves love their fast food.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
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