Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
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