“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Irish you luck.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
It takes one to snow one.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
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