I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
My love for you is like no otter.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
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