Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
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