Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
"Bugs and hisses."
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
A round of Santa-plause, please.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
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