How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
Yule be sorry.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
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