I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Get in the swim this summer.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Books are my kind of texts.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
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