There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
You look like my future ex wife.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
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