Girl you are rocking this run.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
You are the object of my preposition.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
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