What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.

I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"

Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!

Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism

Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter

What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.

What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.

Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.

My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey

If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.

A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation

What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper

What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.

What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef

What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.

Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?

How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.

What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.

“Feliz navi-dog!”

How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.

Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day

Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.

Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.

Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.

You’re the cutest clover in the patch.

“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown

Aaron you glad I messaged you first?

Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.

“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie

What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!

I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner

Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.

You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.

Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.

What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict