Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
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