I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
You're my purr-son.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
As it snow happens.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
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