Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I like the way you espresso yourself.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Can I claim your baggage?
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
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