What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
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