What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
"Back that glass up."
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
I dig you a hole lot.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
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