What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Beach, please.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
You're as hot as a desert summer.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
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