What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
I lub dub you with all my heart.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
How hot does your gas oven get?
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
By the seat of one’s punt
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
Up to snow good.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
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