Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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