I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
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