When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
"Read between the wines."
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
The goal nine yards
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Want to lock our bikes together?
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
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