Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
Practice safe text: use commas.
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