Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
"Just one hot chick."
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
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