An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
The snuggle is real.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
I’m elf-taught.
To get to the other tide.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
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