I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Leaf me alone.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Go to BabaMail
