“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
Up to snow good.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
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