Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Water you doing, my friend?
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
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