What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.

How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.

"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown

Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.

Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C

Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.

Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.

What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.

“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown

It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.

Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!

I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.

What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.

You're quite the catch, baby.

A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.

I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.

The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.

What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.

A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?

They would dig an M.O.T. around them.

Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!

Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!

[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.

During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.

"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers

Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.

Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus

If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.

Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.

My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.

Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.

I can score more often than the average soccer player.

I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.

What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.

My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.