When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
Don't get tide down.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
"Some bunny loves you."
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Seed between the lines.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
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