“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Nice Ass-teroid.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
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