Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Whatever floats your goat.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
I like you cherry much.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
So how many cats do you have?
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
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