I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
The temperature can only go up from here.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I can be your travel pillow.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
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