What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
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