What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
You looked better when I was drunk.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
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