Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
I can heartly wait to see you.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
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