Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Hello Boo-tiful.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
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