If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
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