Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
How about a little roll in the Bakery Department?
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
God was just showing off when he made you.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
Go to BabaMail
