What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
I think I glove you.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
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