What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
The pint’s the limit.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
He’s my pinch charming.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
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