Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
All things must grass.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
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