My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.

A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.

What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.

Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.

Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”

What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.

Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.

“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll

They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.

National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.

“Dachshund Through the Snow.”

Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan

“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker

I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.

What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut

Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!

"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West

What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.

What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.

If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?

You can toast my marshmallows anytime.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!

I have so mushroom in my heart for you.

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick

What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.

What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.

If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.

"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman

The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!

What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.

You really flipturn me on.