“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
I can sea clearly now.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
You’re as sweet as Pi.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
I love all of your stratified layers!
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
You shamrock my world.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
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