Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
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