I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Don’t go bacon my heart.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
Deaf mute gets new hearing
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
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