Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Your pace or mine?
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