You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
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