What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Birch, please.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
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