Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Rebel without a Claus.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
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