Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
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