"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Are you a red light because stop.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
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