Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
That was thaw-some!
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
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