Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
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