My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Go to BabaMail
