What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Hello Boo-tiful.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
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