Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
Lettuce go on a long drive.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
Nice life preservers.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
I can be your travel pillow.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
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