What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
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