“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
I'm snow bored.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
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