I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
I love you and I ain’t lion.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
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