Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Love me do
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
We’ve got serious chemistry.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
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