What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
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