It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
Drink happy thoughts.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
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