“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb

What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!

You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn

The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.

What's your number?? Err I mean your name?

“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”

Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.

Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!

“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson

Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde

How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.

What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!

How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.

When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.

Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.

Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.

What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!

Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.

What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!

What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.

What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.

“You’re my soul Santa.”

Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.

What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE

What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"

The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.

"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous